New Hampshire in the Morning

What’s that growing from my ch-ch-cheeks?
What’s that growing from my ch-ch-cheeks?

M – We laughed at it, made fun of it. Even sang the song, “Ch-ch–ch-Chia! As seen on TV, you can grow chia seeds that sprout on ceramic forms and look like everything from a sheep with wool to the hair on a person’s head. Well guess what? Chia seeds contain Omega-3 and are an excellent source of fiber, calcium and iron. Who’s laughing now, Sparky?

Who knew the lowly, laughable ch-ch-ch-Chia also promotes heart and digestive health? How do I know this? Well, while rooting around through the pantry looking for some Cape Cod potato chips recently, I came across a jar of Chia seeds.

Then I looked at the claims on the jar and realized Barbie would eventually be secretly sprinkling it on my steel cut oatmeal to get more omaeg-3 supplements into my body. That’s true love, friends. Still, I needed to confront her about this diabolical plan to get me to eat chia pet food.

“But what if I start sprouting chia fur from my ears,” I pleaded? “Or on the palms of my hands? People will point and snicker. Children will run the other way from Chia Man. And will my Fusion 6-blade razor slice and dice through my new vegetation?”

Lady Baba assured me I had not been secretly feed chia seeds. To my relief, the seal of the jar had not been broken and a close inspection of my ears showed no greater amount of fur than the usual small tufts that already live there. There was no topiary growing from my palms.

Then it struck me. All those As Seen on TV products, like Chia Pets, are really a secret conspiracy to make Americans healthier at a cost of just $19.99 a month, unless you act right now at which point your good health will be doubled at no extra cost! I quickly ran to my TV and began surfing cable until I found one ad after another with products I could envision making me healthier.

Take the Snuggie for example. This blanket with sleeves is the perfect device to help you lose weight. Simply put it on in mid-July and run a 26-mile marathon. You start the race with a Kevin James body and hit the finish line looking like Mario Lopez. Ladies, it works for you, too. Drop four dress sizes as you do an hour on the treadmill, all while wearing your stylish Snuggie.

But wait, there’s more! Have you seen the Roll Up Piano? This battery-powered flexible keyboard can be set up anywhere to create an on-the-spot instant dance party. You can jitterbug those pounds away in airport terminals, shopping malls and fast food restaurants.

Keep working on your New Year’s resolution to lose weight today. Operators are standing by to take your call!

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